


Where do broken hearts go? (Heaven or Hell)

by iileftherbehind



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Forgiveness, Guilt, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mention of Death, Post Season 4, Self-Hatred, six years in space, they read poems together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22385941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iileftherbehind/pseuds/iileftherbehind
Summary: Murphy hates himself for what he did to Raven.Raven hates herself for letting Murphy think he hasn’t already been forgiven.Or: a different way of how things between Murphy and Raven go in the ark during those six years.
Relationships: John Murphy/Raven Reyes
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	Where do broken hearts go? (Heaven or Hell)

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve had this idea for quite a long time so i finally wrote it down. i really love writing about murven, their characterization, their sense of guilt and how they would overcome it together. really wish this actually happened in canon so much hate.  
> My fellow murvens, enjoy x

"Well, well, well. Reyes on the dark side of the ship." Raven heard Murphy's voice resounding from behind her, echoing in the cold metal walls surrounding them. "What brings you here, mechanic?"

Raven rolled her eyes, taking her welding mask off and revealing an annoyed look on her face. She then turned around, finding Murphy standing some meters away from her, leaning against the walls and looking at her with that smug expression of his that made her want to scream sometimes. She hadn't seen him in a few weeks. His hair was still the same, his beard a little longer, but his clothes still the same. "You know what. My job."

It'd already been a few months since Murphy had decided to leave the group and go on his own. He had been clear about this: he wasn't going to come out of his room and interact with them any soon.

One would say that the group was isolating him but it was probably mostly him isolating himself at end of the day. Sure, they had been rude to him, and mean at times, but no one would have disagreed on the fact that Murphy simply was a lonely wolf. Or, better, a lonely cockroach. He spent alone all of his time, apart, of course, from those times when Bellamy went to his side of the drop-ship to give him his daily meal. Or, those times when - like this one - Raven needed to fix something in that district. But that was even a rarer event then the solar eclipse as Murphy was rarely out of his room anyway, so when Raven decided to get up and go fix whatever didn't work anymore in that crappy old metal box, she surely didn't expect to walk into him. Or, better, him to walk into her.

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Murphy mumbled. "Is this a routine check-up or are we running out of air and dying in the next few days? Might just want to be prepared, you know." 

Raven narrowed her eyes at him. "Neither." she replied back, turning around again and grabbing her mask. Then. "I'm just trying to fix a problem in this district I've been avoiding all along. I should be done in twenty, by the way."

Murphy raised an eyebrow. "Avoiding me?"

Raven hesitated. "I said the problem, Murphy."

"Yeah, in this district. But that's okay." And she didn't need to turn her head to him to see him shrugging his shoulders. "You wouldn't be the first one. Don't feel bad."

Fact is: Raven did feel bad.

She wasn't quite sure when it began, but she had been feeling guilty about John for quite a while and that new and uneasy feeling had her overthinking for days and kept her awake at nights. She wasn't even quite sure what it was due to, but it's not like she had no prompts to start from. She _had_ done a few wrong things to him in the past, whether directly to him or helped others do them. Like when she was about to hand him to the grounders to save Finn's ass with such an ease and a casualness it terrified her thinking about it now. The way she had pointed the rifle at him and told him to get out of the dropship.

And, of course, his eyes filled with tears and rage, fixed on her as he breathed out. " _Go to hell, Raven_." And he meant that. Oh yes, he did.

And now that Murphy was isolating himself, living alone while all of them slowly grew as a family... all the thoughts came back to her and made her stomach turn.

"I don't." she lied. "I just need to finish this. I'll be done soon and you'll be able to go back to your auto imposed exile or whatever, don't worry." Raven blurted out, grabbing her tools box and fumbling in it for a not-too-old nor rusted wrench.

She could feel him choking a quiet laugh. But when she didn't hear an answer after that, what she felt was the opposite of relief. He really was going away, again. He was going to close himself into his room like the past three months and there was nothing Raven could do to help him. And she wouldn’t have seen him for another couple of weeks, wondering if he’d died in his sleep or was just sitting on the floor contemplating the stars. And that, somehow and for some obscure reason she was trying not to think about, hurt her.

"Nice. What does this do?" Raven startled to the side letting her soldering iron fall, and turning her head to Murphy, standing there, holding a tool of hers in his hands and looking at it, analyzing it with a wrinkle between his eyebrows and a well known grin on his face.

"Damnit, Murphy! You fucking scared me! I thought you were back to your fucking cave..."

He answered with a snort. "Cave. I like that." He grinned. "Like a bat." he grinned down at her "And it's not hard to be silent when you've been soldering the whole time, Reyes."

"Give it to me." she exclaimed, taking the screwdriver out of his hands and putting it back in the bag. And again. That sensation hit her chest. _Damn it._

Luckily, Murphy talked before she could say anything. "Aha, you're right." He nodded, holding its hands up in surrender in front of himself. "Murphy is not allowed to touch them."

But before she could answer to him, he talked again. "You know what, Reyes?"

Raven didn't answer this time either, sure that that was more of the beginning of whatever Murphy was about to say and not a question. As she believed, it was. So she just listened to him as he continued.

"I'm just gonna let you work in peace now."

That's it? That's all he blurted out before putting another tool of hers he had grabbed without her noticing back where he had taken it from and turning on his feet, making his way back to the hallway that would bring him to his lonely room.

A pause. Brief. A second, that's all that took her.

"Wait." Raven's voice was louder than she wanted to, but that's only because she didn't exactly know how far he already was.

Murphy stopped walking at that, turning his head around and looking at her. His forehead frowning, no need to ask her anything though.

"Can you..." She cleared her throat, even more than once. "Can you help me?" she asked, after letting a heavy sigh leave her lips.

What? That was something Murphy sure as hell didn't expect. Help _her_? _Him_? How could he possibly help her? What could he possible help her with?

"What? If this is another one of those bets Emori and the others placed on me and my knowledge of this stuff, I'm telling you already I have no idea how to-"

"No." she let it out, confused. Emori what? They what? How didn't she know this? And then, it all hit her.

Like a flow of water running untamable, impossible to stop and causing her stomach to turn again in a painful sensation impossible to stop. Or even control. How could they all be so mean to him? And how hadn't she realized earlier how fucked up this little game was? It's not like they all were better than him. It's not like they were any different. They all had things to answer for... and yet, yet Murphy was the only one who got treated like shit. Exactly like when they had first put foot on earth and he was immediately marked as the rejected. The murder. The one to avoid, to exile. It was all happening again and it honestly made her angry how, as smart as she was, she hadn't realized it before.

"I just need your help. Like- seriously, god why do you even have to make me say it?" She sighed, looking away. It had never been easy for her to admit she wasn't fully independent anymore and needed to ask for help when she knew she needed it. "I need to get to that air fan up there." Raven pointed up at the roof. A rotor with metal blades that activated the propeller and guaranteed them oxygen. And I can't reach it." she murmured more quietly then. "My leg doesn't let me fully get on the stepladder."

Murphy's expression softened all of a sudden, and even if it took him a second to get a grip of himself and show a neutral expression again, a second was not enough. Not enough for Raven to miss the trace of guilt and who-knows-what-more he had let her see. And she recognized it, because it wasn't the first time she'd seen it. It reminded her a lot of the very first time she'd seen Murphy letting his guards down and show her how vulnerable he actually was. How vulnerable he actually was when it came to her apparently.

His words echoing in her head.

" _I'm sorry. I'm sorry for doing this to you, Raven._ "

And she had known he was genuine. And still knew.

"Yeah." He nodded, breaking into her thoughts and making her snap to reality. "Sure." And then he grinned to divert her from the feeling of guilt he'd let her see, that was eating him inside ever since that unlucky, cursed damn pull of trigger. "Raven Reyes asking for help? Might have to sign this on my calendar. What's happening next? We go back to earth?"

"So funny." she replied back. "Just let me get on your shoulders and shut up."

"Woah woah woah, wait. You want to climb on me? What tells you I'm this strong? Plus, didn't you guys say you don't need me anymore? Seems like you do after all."

God, that smirk. She hated it.

"Okay, okay. You know what, Murphy? Fuck you, Murphy. Just fuck you." And with her surprise what she felt inside wasn't even anger. It was guilt. Still guilt. Still fucking guilt for making him think even for just a second that they didn't need him. That _she_ didn't need him.

"Easy, Reyes." he said, as he walked towards her. Then sighed. "I didn't mean that, okay? I know you've been struggling to get us to the ground." A nod she could barely see then another sigh, but heavier. Only a few people knew Raven, and after all this time, he could say he was one of them. And if there was one thing she wasn't, it's a quitter. She didn't let a job unfinished. Ever. So he knew she would have found the way to do this and finish this job with, or without him.

And, god, he preferred it being with him.

God only knows what he would have done if she had hurt herself because he refused to help her the only time she had ever actually needed him. So he kneeled in front of her, giving her his back.

And as her fingertips went to his neck to hold herself and not lose balance he could swear he felt his skin burning. He swallowed it away and placed his hands on her thighs, being extremely careful to put less pressure on her left one. The softest touch Murphy could have ever given her, because, oh, lord, if he was on the edge of screaming to himself. Touching with his hands what he brought away from her just because of a stupid little gun he once felt powerful using.

"Okay, that's great. Can you go a little bit forward? I almost reached the- Perfect! Okay." She took three nails and brought them to her lips, holding them in a grip. Then she mumbled. "Now stay here."

He snorted. "And where do you want me to go, Reyes?"

She laughed it off, her head lifted up and her eyes fixed on the conduct. Then a smirks traced her face and her sarcasm voice showed off. More than usual. Her words were barely recognizable due to the nails in her mouth that now were two, the third one already being hit by then hammer she so firmly held in her right hand. "I wouldn't know... mh, hell, maybe?"

He grinned. "Already been there. Nothing special. You get used to it once you're there though. Pretty warm and cool."

And even though he said it as a joke - like 99% of the stuff Murphy talks about - Raven thought about that time he got stuck in that bunker for three months and, hell yeah, she could imagine how terrible that was. He hadn't talked to her about it a lot, he hadn't talked to anyone about it, actually, but she knew enough. Then Raven thought about the hell he went through and survived on the ground, with the grounders. Or even before that, she probably thought about when his eyes flickered for the last time at his dad before he got floated in that beautiful yet fatal mass of stars Raven so much loved. She remembered it clearly, how he had told her his story with a cracked voice and tears in his eyes, sure that would've been the last time they'd ever spoken anyway because either they both would've died that day - and that, was the most possible option - or she anyway never would've had the desire to speak to him again after what he did. Instead, she did, and now she lived with his truth.

_The little kid with the flu that gets his dad killed. His timeless hero, killed. For a medicine that didn't work anyway._

  
Still, Raven was out of road.

The hell Murphy was talking about was even more tragic and sarcastic. Poetic, even, but never in the good sense. In the sad, wistful way that takes your innocence away and never gives you back. Yes, even more than being tortured by the grounders, more than being rejected and exiled, and beat up multiple times and pushed, and being used, shot, stabbed... hanged. More than seeing your dad being floated because he was just trying to help you, more than finding your mum lifeless in her own vomit and knowing her last ever words to you were giving you the fault for your father's death. All of these... contributed in Murphy's pain.

But it was more. Still more.

It was being the reason of _her_ pain.

Knowing he was the reason of her daily struggle, the reason why now she was... forced to ask him for help, never left him alone and caused him nightmares he often woke up from all sweated and frustrated.

That... that had always felt all too much for him and she probably didn't even know it.

It had felt like... like being pushed-shot-used-stabbed-exiled-hanged and losing his dad and his mom in one millisecond. More or less the time it had taken him to take her innocence away.

"You still there?" Raven is the first one talking, after more or less twenty minutes on his shoulders.

"You're still on my shoulders, aren't you? So I guess I am. Jeez, lucky me Monty didn't come up with a better receipt for our meals or my back would have been broken right now." But he was lying. In fact, for some reason, time went up pretty quickly and he didn't even feel her weight. Nor did he feel it leaving him after she got off him.

Only the one on his heart, that one never went away. He didn't think it ever could.

She laughed. "Thank you, by the way." She mumbled to him with something that resembled to a smile.

"Anytime." he answered. And she wasn't quite sure if that was just a nice way to reply and go away without any further words to add in this conversation or a real promise. Like the 'call me if you'll need help again.'

Not that she would.

'Cause she wouldn't.

It would just be nice to know she could if she ever thought about it.

And, hell if she did think about it after that.

* * *

Two weeks later, Raven hadn't seen Murphy since then. It was expectable, though. Because she hadn't gone to his district not even once since then, and since Murphy had already made it clear that he was not going to join the group again very soon, it only made sense that they hadn't met up again. 

She thought about going, though. More than once. Even more than twice. She thought about going to him again every night since that day, actually. She didn't exactly know why, but she felt the need of seeing him again. Of spending more time with him, talking to him, hell even letting him make his stupid jokes and laugh at them because she loved them, no matter how many times she'd say she hated his sarcasm.

Two days after their encounter, she was just laying in bed for the first time in a week, maybe, given the circumstances and her repeated attempts to bring them all back to the ground. She needed sleep, and she knew it, but somehow and for some obscure reason she was determinate to ignore, her mind wandered to him. The way he had so obviously made it clear that he knew, or at least he thought, that he wasn't needed. She thought it was only about Emori at first, but then she understood there was more. He thought no one needed him anymore, or that they probably had never actually needed him in the first place.

On a cold morning, some days after that night, she had the confirmation to her fears. She was talking to Bellamy about what she lately discovered that could help her with the problem "Earth" (that's how they called it there, as if the problem had ever been the planet and not them, humans.) and they found themselves talking about him.

She didn't know if to feel relieved she could share with someone her thoughts or nervous because her thoughts were about him.

"Have you seen him, you know, when you've gone there? I barely even see him anymore... lately i just leave the bowl on the floor in front of his door." Bellamy had said.

"I saw him." She'd nodded. "And he helped me. Fixing the problem, I mean."

"He _helped you_?" Bellamy raised an eyebrow, looking at her. And Raven had looked back at him, not sure if he had put the emphasis in "helped" or in "you".

Both were understandable, though.

"Murphy being useful? Now that's news. Maybe his self-forced exile is changing him"

She'd sighed. "I don't think it's a good thing. He's part of this family, you know? We're all stuck here, in a way or another, and we should help each other and be close to each other. Not fight and isolate ourselves."

"Are you defending him?" Bellamy'd asked, his expression rather curious than surprised.

"Defending him from what, Bellamy? What did he do?"

"Nothing, but-" Bellamy'd shaken his head, looking down at their project again. "We never banished him like we did when we first came to the ground, Raven. This time he's the one who did it himself. Isolated himself, decided to just... go. Be on his own. He's the one who turned his back on us."

"I know." she'd admitted. And she did know it.

But, still, she also knew, or at least thought she knew the reason behind all of that. She knew he felt like he wasn't useful, and if only Raven could read his mind, she would have known she was a hundred percent right.

* * *

That's how he felt and had always felt and there was nothing he could do to change that, probably.

But it's not like he thought it without a reason.

On the other side, it's not like he made himself useful, anyway, and he had to admit it to himself. All of them, they knew staying up there for six years would've been rough and extremely hard, so everyone rolled up their sleeves and tried to contribute in a way as soon as they settled in their new home between the stars. Monty had invented his super new and disgusting mix of algae to feed them all and not let starvation kill them after they avoided the apocalypse for the second time. Bellamy had been helping non stop with the drinkable water production thanks to the generator Murphy and Monty had carried only some minutes before praimfaya. And, anyway, he was kinda the leader of the group now that Clarke was gone, and that? that gave him a lot of responsibilities, too. Raven helped in any kind of way, maintaining them alive and in a secure metal box for the next six years with her engineering skills, and Harper and Emori helper her how they could. Even Echo started teaching the others how to fight. Some would say it had the sole purpose of maintaining their bodies trained, but all of them knew it was mostly to be prepared to what other war would have expected them down there, and Azgeda skills could've been useful to all of them. They never felt safe. How could they?

Point is, everyone would help in their own way, while Murphy... well, he was just being Murphy. He thought there wasn't a way he could help them with, so he preferred being his usual self. Cracking jokes during their silent meals, organizing pranks on monty - yelling at him that Jasper would've loved them if he was there with them every time Monty screamed to leave him alone - and then feeling guilty for mentioning his dead best friend to Monty. It wasn't slow, though. He quickly felt like the group didn't need him, and it didn't take long until he started isolating himself until Emori was the only person talking to him and spending time with him.

Until... until she wasn't anymore.

Until she started spending so much time with Raven, that Murphy barely saw her anymore even though they all literally lived in a box.

He couldn't exactly say why, but that bothered him. It wasn't even that he didn't like her spending so much time with Raven, but... but something was off. Something about that made him deeply uncomfortable and gifted him a feeling he did not like at all.

Raven taught Emori all she knew, spent time teaching her how all of those colorful and weird buttons of the ship worked, what this tool did, and where this wire went, and sharing with her all her knowledge he damn well knew made her who she is. The difference between a planet and a moon, how to crawl into an air conduct to fix something without hurting yourself, how zero G was the greatest thing ever and Emori stayed there, listening to Raven going on about how complex yet amazing the universe is, and, suddenly, Murphy was alone.Emori didn't need him anymore, she spent all that time with Raven. And Raven? She had never needed him. Exactly, she'd never, and he knew it. So why the hell did this hurt now?

A knock on the door interrupted his mind from traveling too far and causing himself even more nightmares that he already went through every night.

He didn't expect anyone. Hell, why would he? He was in a ship with six people, all six of them hating him probably. Five of them avoiding him (or him avoiding them) and one...he didn't really want to let himself think about that one.

He pushed the door open and pulled his head back when he saw her in front of him. She wasstanding with a bowl in her hands and a neutral expression. Her ponytail as per usual, but some strands of hair were falling out of it, like she had been working all day. A soft smile arching her lips made his throat burn.

"Hey." she cleared her throat. "Bellamy was about to bring some food, so I thought..." uncertain, she didn't go on, not sure how to. Luckily, he seemed to get it.

"Oh." she nodded slowly, eyes sweeping all over her before stepping to the side and showing her to get in. "Sure."

She blinked a few times, a small wrinkle between her eyes. "Really?"

He snorted. "Yes? I'm not a fucking asshole, Reyes. At least not that much." he grinned at her. "C'mon. Eat with me."

His room was messy. The few clothes he owned all over the floor, papers on the small desk he had claimed his when they first arrived, two books open on the floor, and another one on his undone bed.The sheets were not even completely on the bed, and his pillow was nowhere to be found. One look at him and she found complete indifference in his face. He didn't care about how his room looked, nor that had just invited her into his secret super private hole for over six months now.

"Here. It's still warm."

"Thank you." he said, then took the bowl and walked to the desk, placing it there on all thepapers.

He did not know the reason of that visit, nor if it actually had one in particular, but he would've lied if he said he hadn’t felt his heart missing a beat when he saw her standing out of his room.

"Have you been working today?" he spoke for the second time, not sure of what to talk to, not sure if they even had to talk about something. The question was dumb, though. 'Cause of course she had. He tilted his chin at her messy ponytail and smirked a bit.

"Oh- yeah." she admitted. "I spent a whole hour in an air conduct. Not gonna lie, that was painful." she laughed a bit, but stopped immediately after.

He noticed she was touching her left leg, and when his gaze swept down to her hand on her thigh he felt like his world was about to collapse all at once. Ten thousands knifes being stabbed in his back would've hurt less.

As good as he was at keeping it cool and not letting anyone see him through, Raven must have seen that, as she tilted her head to the side.

"That's not your fault, Murphy."

That's the same thing she'd told him at Becca's lab that same day he finally found the courage to apologize to her.

He hadn't believed her then, and he definitely didn't believe her now.

"Raven-"

"I'm serious." she took a small step toward him. "I'm sorry you feel like this. I know you do, I just-" she sighed, and her words stayed there, in her tongue's tip waiting to be spoken.

"You should go..." he wasn't looking at her.

"We all have things to answer to. You were scared. We all were. We were just... teenagers playing soldiers with guns." she sighed. "I hope you know I forgave you long time ago."

He didn't notice how close they were now, and as soon as he turned his head around and looked down at her he could swear that his palms were setting on fire for how long he'd been digging his nails in his own skin.

"It's time you forgive yourself." she said, again, quietly. Then turned around and in that same way she came in, she walked out of his room.

"Thanks for the soup." he blurted out. But only then he realized it was too late. She was already gone.

* * *

He called it survivor's guilt.

Or at least, he had been trying to convince himself of it. It was a good way to try to give what was eating him inside a name.

He called it like that because he thought that in way, every survivor feels this way. The guilt of living, despite every odd, despite how many storms you've been through (and he could say he faced tons of them.) And now earth was destroyed... and everyone was dead apart from some hundreds of grounders, some of his people, and them. Him, and the rest of the ships components. 

Despite that, he wasn't feeling guilty because he was alive. If he had, maybe it would've been a little bit easier to cope with it... knowing only fighters survive and if he did it must have been because he'd been fighting his whole life. But no... it was more than that.

He knew, he felt deep inside him that something in him, whether it was just a tiny part or the majority of his being, was rotten. And broken, forever.

Murphy thought about her words a lot, after that night. And despite his attempts he couldn't find himself an answer to her behavior. Why would she defend him, and even worry about him, when everyone else inside that ship didn't?

The day he decided to finally talk to her was just some days after their talk. He knew he had said he wouldn't have showed up again any soon, but some part of him needed to talk to her and he knew her enough to know she would've left him space. Especially, after exposing him and living him at the light of the sun, something she knew he wouldn't have bore.

"Guys." he interrupted the daily training Echo was holding, causing them all to turn their face to him when they heard his voice.

He could see the confusion and, why not, some curiosity in some of his friends' faces, but Bellamy was the one to voice it.

"Murphy." he got closer to him, heavily breathing from the fight he just had with Raven. "What are you doing here."

He shoved his hands into his pocket and shrugged his shoulders, grinning at him.

"Just enjoying the show. Please, go on."

"Have you decided you're gonna join us again or?" Harper asked, an eyebrow of hers raised.

"Nah." he waved her off. "Too soon." he said smirkingly. "Actually... I wanted to talk with you." he said while tilting his chin at Raven, still at the center of the small arena they'd built.

"Me?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, Reyes. Mind blowing, isn't it? C'mon."

She raises an eyebrow, still too surprised by Murphy coming in that district, let alone ask her to talk. But she didn't let him ask it twice and followed him.

Emori grinned, while taking Raven's place in the arena. "Who knew that to make the cockroach come back we needed to steal the Raven from him?"

Bellamy laughed a bit and shook his head, and all Murphy did was roll his eyes. Raven, on the other side, sighed. Thanks to whatever had gone on between Emori and Murphy, she was now her roommate... and that... all of that...it just didn't feel right.

“What- what is it?” she looked at him during the brief walk, asking him. “Did you think about my words?”

But he didn’t give her an answer. As they entered her room, the first thing Murphy noticed was how orderly it was. Not that it was hard for a room, anyone's room, to be more orderly than Murphy's, but he had slept with Emori and he knew she wasn't a tidy person.

"Did you tell Emori either you keep it all organized or I kick you out? ‘Cause she definitely is a messy person.”

She laughed a bit, closing the door behind them once inside "Close enough. She is so fucking messy, yeah. And i need an organized space for my papers when I do my job of keeping you safe in this box." she smirked at him and he held his hands up in surrender.

"Nothing to object, mechanic."

"So like..." she stopped in front of him, her arms crossed on her chest, her head tilted to the side. "Is there something you wanted to talk about?"

"Nope." he shook his head and what Raven did next was frowning.

"No? But didn't you say-"

"I know what I said. I just wanted to spend time with you without having to hang out with them."

She raised an eyebrow of hers at that, not sure of what her answer should have been after his admission.

"Are you okay?"

He snorted longingly in response, shook his head and then walked to her bed.

"There's nothing to do on this ship." he let himself fall on it and slid his arms underneath his head, eyes fixed on her.

"Um... yeah, well, maybe for you." she followed him, sitting next to him. "And take these feet off my bed. Rules not only apply to your girlfriend."

Something flashed in his eyes, and she must have seen it as she corrected herself right away.

"Oh, sorry. I meant- I meant your ex."

"Yeah..." he frowned a bit, then cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry you have to bare her now.” he said again. “Because of me.”

“What? Oh, no, Emori is fine. She’s great, actually, and a very great student.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah...” and that weird sensation he had felt, he felt it again. “You two spend a lot of time together.”

“Well, yes, we’re roommates.” Raven said. “And I’m teaching her all I know, I feel like she’s gonna help me a lot. She actually learns pretty fast.”

“Aha...”

“And I found out she’s a good friend. I really think she is.”

He wouldn’t know how to describe what he felt if not with one word, but he knew damn well he could not afford to use it nor to even think about it.

When she noticed his silence, she frowned. “What?”

“Hm? Nothing.” he shook his head, giving her a fake smile, as much as it was needed for her to keep talking, about anything, anything else.

“Murphy. I said what?”

“Nothing? I’m just saying... you two spend so much time together. You teach her stuff... and you two actually get along pretty well. You need each other I guess.” he nodded a bit to himself, and saw Raven furrowing her eyebrows together. “Wait, what?” she pulled her bead back, slowly realizing.

“Are you-”

“What?”

“Murphy, are you _jealous_?”

And when he didn’t answer, she widened her eyes. “Oh my god? Oh my god! You’re jealous! You’re fucking jealous! You still have feelings for her? You-”

“Raven. Please, shut the fuck up.”

There was something in his tone that suggested her that he was not joking. That he did not want to, not to talk about it. And so she nodded slightly.

“Okay. If you... you know, wanna talk about it. I’m here.”

He didn’t answer, why would he anyway. She was completely wrong. Everything she said... she had no idea. But he wanted to change subject, he needed to change subject, so he pointed at the very first thing he saw: a book next to her. "Is that yours?"

"Yep." she smiled proudly, crossing her right leg on the bed and leaving her left one hanging out of it. "I found it here when we first arrived. I think it was of a poet who lived on earth before. And somehow they brought it here in the ark.... it’s actually pretty good...”

Murphy leaned over, taking the book in his hand and narrowing his eyes at it with the intent of reading the title.

“ _Collection of old but gold poems?_ ” he snorted. “Really?”

She answered with a laughter. “What? Some are actually good! For example... go to page...” she took the book and sticked her tongue out of her mouth, leafing through the pages, and for a second he could swear that what he felt was joy. “Here!” he handed the book to him again and he was forced to look away from her lips.

He read the title out loud. “ _God Lay Dead in Heaven, by Stephen Crane._ Mh...”

“What?”

“You liked this one?”

“Yeah.” she shrugged. “It’s actually pretty... strong.”

“Strong. Okay, well.” he let out a sigh and slowly sat up, next to her. “Let’s see.” And that’s when he started reading.

“ _God lay dead in heaven,_

_angels sang the hymn of the end;_

_Purple winds went moaning,_

_their wings drip-dripping with blood_

_that fell upon the earth. It, groaning-_ what the hell, Reyes” he laughed. “What’s this shit mean.”

She rolled her eyes with a familiar smile on her lips. “You won’t understand this shit if you read it with the intensity of a fucking tree.”

“Okay so what? What does this poem talk about, please, poet Reyes?”

She snorted. “Never call me like this again.”

And she saw him grinning, and wondered herself if she had seen the look on her face when he was reading the poem she once had stayed up all night to decipher.

“By the way... at first I wasn’t sure.” she took the book in her hands, placing them above his and this caused a shiver up Murphy’s spine.

That was so unnecessary.

“But then I kinda got curious. So I read it and reread it and-” she nodded and lifted her gaze from the book, looking up at him. “I think it talks about death.”

He frowned. “Death, uh?”

“Of course! Look at this: « _God lay dead in heaven, angels sang the hymn of the end_.» and then « _A woman’s arms tried to shield The head of a sleeping man From the jaws of the final beast_.» Like? the final beast, that’s clearly death.”

“Mhh...” Murphy leaned over, taking the book back and reading the lines in silence, tilting his head to the side. “And you do believe in this?”

“This what? Death?” she laughed.

“No.” he shook his head, and finally looked up at her, fixing his eyes on hers. “Heaven.”

“Oh.” she blinked and he wasn’t sure of the reason why he’d asked her this question, but now it was done.

“I mean...” Raven shrugged. “I don’t know that. I guess I never asked myself that.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, well.” he closed the book, letting it fall on the bed again. “I do believe in it.”

“You do?” she asked, a curious look on her face.

“Yeah.” he admitted. “Heaven and Hell. I mean, not in the- religious meaning, I guess. I don’t know about that, but I do believe or do think there are something such as Heaven and Hell. Like something your soul goes to when you die.”

“What about purgatory?”

“Purgatory?” he pulled his back.

“Yeah.” Raven nodded with a light smile on her lips. “I remember reading somewhere when I was still here on the ark, that there was a writer, once... I think his name was Dante... he believed- he wrote about Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. This last one was like- a kind of way in between of the two. Like- somewhere your souls go to because you don’t deserve Heaven but you’re too good for Hell, I guess.”

Murphy nodded, unexpectedly fascinated by that admission. Then, sweeping his eyes over her face, he nudged her elbow. “You think your soul is going to end up there?”

“You mean Purgatory?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean...” she laughed lightly. “I don’t even know if I believe in this bullshit, Murphy. And I don’t even know if I care about it.” she shrugged her shoulders, smiling at him.

“You?” she then asked, looking for his gaze but he was evidently not looking at her.

“Me?”

“Yeah. Where do you think your soul is going toend?”

“Oh. I mean...” he shook his head. “Hell, of course.”

Raven raised her eyebrows, surprised by the fact that she had let herself be shocked by such admission when she already knew damn well what he thought about himself.

“Well.” she sighed, laying down on the mattress and placing her hands on her stomach. “I guess I’ll see you there, then.”

He laughed, nodding a bit. “You mean our souls will, maybe.”

“Yeah, whatever.” he waved him off. “At least I don’t have to bare you even after death. But my soul will? Ugh. Can never get rid of you.”

He smirked, nodding. “That is something I can agree with you on, Reyes.”

They spent the rest of the time reading her poems and then laughing because of Murphy’s interpretations of said poems’ lines.

And when the time passed, and it was time to go to sleep, Raven hesitated for a second and asked herself if asking him to stay would’ve been a bad idea.

But then, she realized she had a roommate, and immediately after that she realized that that same roommate of hers couldn’t stand Murphy now. And immediately after that, again, she’d realized how weird it would’ve been.

“Alright.” he said, getting up. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah... I didn’t even realize.”

“Me neither.” he admitted, walking to the door. “Hey-” he turned around, looking at her. “I actually had a pretty good time, you know?”

She smirked at him. “Of course you did. Told ya these poems were actually good.”

“Yeah no shit, fuck your poems.”

She laughed, and he couldn’t help but smile at her.

“So uhm...” he smiled lightly, nodding a bit. “See ya, mh?”

“Sure.” she got up as well, and followed him to the door. “Maybe next time I’ll ask you questions about what we learnt today.”

“Like a test? Uh, that sounds serious.”

“It is.” she smiled a bit, and for a few seconds no one said a word.

Then, Murphy cleared his throat, thrown by how close he had felt her - and not physically talking. He had felt her close to him, had established a mental connection he had rarely found elsewhere.

“Hey.” he blurted our before he could close the door behind him. She looked at him and for a moment he didn’t know if he should’ve asked her that. But he didn’t care. He was going to.

“Come by sometime, to... my cave or whatever you called it, yeah?”

She smirked. That’s all she did. “If you put it in order, maybe I will”

He imitated her, smirking himself but with a much genuine one. Then slowly nodded, and gave her a very sweet look. “I’ll see what I can do.”

* * *

She actually did it. She did go to him, two days later. And they’d spent the day together again. She had brought the same book, and they kept reading poems for a while, until they decided to just talk.

And this time they talked all night, because they stayed in his room and no one came by there.

And the same happened the next day, and the day later. And the day after that... and, suddenly, they were the person they saw more between the group.

From Murphy’s side, that was understandable, considering he barely saw anyone else.

But Raven. If she wasn’t fixing something, or training with Echo and Bellamy, or sleeping, she was with him. She could swear she saw him even more often than Emori, whom she lived with, and she didn’t exactly know what to think about that.

Some weeks later, she was about to have lunch with the others, like any other ordinary day.

"Where's Bellamy?" Raven asked as they all sat by the table, ready for their daily meal.

"He's with Monty." the answer came from Harper, sat on the other side of the table next to an empty seat. "Apparently there's a problem with the generator or something... Bellamy's helping him."

"What?" she frowned in confusion, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer to her next question. "And why the hell didn't they call me? Hello, I'm the mechanic of this ship, remember?"

Harper shrugged. "They were both there when they noticed. So they probably didn't want to bother us during lunch."

But before Raven could blurt her answer out Emori spoke. "Besides..." she looked up at Raven, a smirk on her lips. "If Bellamy's gone we need someone to bring John his bowl." she pushed the bowl further to Raven, her eyes on her, too. "And you two are basically dating.”

" _What_!?" Raven widened her eyes and spun her head to Emori. “What? What did you just say?”

“Relax, Raven, I was joking. I’m just saying... y’all are spending so much time together lately. You can as well just bring him his food.

“I mean... yeah, sure I could.” Raven swallowed, still shaken by her friend’s words. “But-”

"Ah c'mon, Raven.” Emori said. “Just bring John his meal and shut up. It'll be done in a second." and with this, she drank her own meal, not giving her any other answer.

Raven felt her cheeks go to flame at the assumption of her friend.

"Raven. It'll get cold." Echo's voice trembled through her. “No one is gonna bring this to him so you better hurry up.”

"No." she frowned now, placing her hands on the table. "No. Wha-" she let out a breathy laughter, and swept her eyes over her friends, not believing what she was about to day. She stood up, hands still on the table, and snapped, something she had been wanting to do for weeks by now. "What the fuck is your problem? Why do you all hate him so fucking much you can't even bring him food? Why do we have to bring him food in the first place? Why isn't he with us? He's part of this family, too, that you want it or not! Tell me... tell me what he did for us to treat him in this way, and don't you guys dare say he's killed people... or- or that he's a murder or- or he's selfish because we all have killed people, this is how we do this for fuck's sake! That's how we survived! And... and-" she swallowed, her lower lip trembling. A long pause before she looked down at herself, her gaze on her leg. "And he's not selfish." she said, with a whisper. Then she stopped talking, before saying too much. So she just took the bowl, and not expecting an answer she turned around and headed to Murphy's room. "You are a bunch of hypocrites." she mumbled then, under her breath, but making sure it was loud enough for them to hear it clearly.

No one answered. Harper and Echo looked at her perplexed, while Emori gave her a weird look. A hidden smirk on her face Raven recognized before going, that actually caused a shiver down her spine as she turned her face away to avoid it.

What she didn't expect, though, was seeing Murphy as soon as she'd turned the corner of the hallway. And he was grinning at her. Of fucking course he was.

"Murphy." she startled, almost letting the bowl fall. "Fuck. God, again! You always do th-" but she trailed off as soon as the realization hit her. 

He was there.

He _heard_.

Murphy kept grinning at her, shrugging his shoulders in such a casual movement it almost made her want to punch him in the face repeatedly and then ask him why does he have to be... like this. Like... Murphy.

"Yeah..." he bit his lip, eyes narrowed at her. "That was such a damn good performance, Reyes" he nodded, clapping his hands rhythmically. "Do you want me to thank you now, or can I-"

"Shut the fuck up." she handed him the bowl. "We're not talking about it. Here, eat."

"Oh no no, we should, actually." he kept grinning, not a single differently expression on his face that made her hate him for how hard it was for her to code his thoughts.

Raven walked past him, eyes rolling. "Just let me bring this to your room and I'll be gone. Stop being a dick."

"Oh but I was actually being genuine? I really think I should thank you." he followed her to his room, and then inside. Watched her placing the bowl on the desk and turning around to give him an annoyed look.

"C'mon Reyes, I'm serious this time." he shrugged his shoulders. "Thanks. For defending me... and for what you said. That was nice... and no one is nice to me lately, so. Who would've thought, ah?"

She rolled her eyes again, but the hint of a smile began to appear on her lips. "I'm just..." she sighed, not sure as to how to continue. "I'm just so sick of how they're treating you. And, as if it wasn't enough, I really don't see the reason."

He shrugged, looking away. "C'mon Reyes, that was nice and all but now let's not pretend I'm an angel."

"No." she shook her head. "Because you're not. But none of us is? None of us is innocent. So why do you have to pay... it all, and on your own?"

He sighed. A light smirk on his face. "Because that's what cockroaches do, right?"

Raven blinked a couple of times, the echo of his now far words in her head. He'd always thought that what he went through in life was deserved. For being a cockroach... for being a selfish self-serving jackass. But what he didn't know is that she didn't see him like that. 

"Yeah." she barely nodded. "That's exactly what you told me at Becca's lab, shortly before leaving me and after I told you I was gonna die." she took a small step closer to him, shaking her head. "And then you came back with the others. For me."

He answered with a snort, disbelief in his eyes, not able to understand how she could only see the good in him.

"Wake up, Raven. I only came back for the bunker." he frowned. "I know Emori and I never would've made it to the bunker with Octavia so- well, so I thought about Becca's bunker. I thought that was obvious."

"You've been there. For months... your personal hell, that's how you called it. I don't think you wanted to live it all again..."

"Yeah, but if the choice was dying from radiations? Well, I'm pretty sure it was the best option."

"I actually just think you did it for Emori."

He furrowed his eyebrows together, sweeping his eyes over her face. "What?"

"You probably would've made it to Octavia's bunker. Who knows? You still had a chance.... but Emori? Her clan... well, you know. And Skaikru? They never would've wasted a spot of theirs for her. You know she was dead in any way, no matter what. So you went with her and tried the last shot: Becca's bunker."

He laughed, looking away. "You know, that was fun until it lasted but I think you're trying to imagine something that never happened here." He started walking to the desk, reaching for his bowl but Raven stopped him, stepping in front of him causing the distance between them to lower.

"You really think you can make everyone buy it? You're not this much of an asshole. You did it for her, just admit it."

"Alright. You know what? Sure, yeah. But how would this make it any better anyway?" he asked, analyzing the expression on her face.

"Well that's simple. You did it for love. How's this being selfish?"

His stomach curled inward with itself. The feeling of being not only understood, but coded, the feeling that someone in this world could actually decipher his twisted and complicated self made him was too much for him.

She nodded, sure of being right and having hit right where she wanted.

”You’re so... sure of yourself, that you think everything your little mind thinks is true. Damn it, Raven, I’m not what you think I am and you thinking that just makes you dumber and more delusional than I thought.”

”Oh. So I’m delusional now?” she teased. 

“I’m just saying. When you want to believe in something so bad, you end up doing it.”

But she didn’t fall. She knew him too well to. "You may be a dick sometimes." she smirked. "Most of the times... but you would do anything for the people you love. I'm not buying it, Murphy..." she walked past him, sighing. "You're not as bad as you want the others to believe."

She felt her arm being grabbed by him before she could finish pronouncing that last word A solid, firm grip around her arm. He made her turn around and before she knew it his lips were on hers.

He kissed her. Murphy kissed Raven.

And Raven froze on the spot, widened her eyes, surprised and, why not, even shocked by what seemed to be one of the less likely to happen things in the world. But instinct took over shortly later and she gave in the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer, returning the kiss just in the same way he'd started it, breathing each other's air. 

The kiss was messy, and he knew it, but it's not like he he had had time to think this through. Something just lighted in him, simply too bright to ignore it and he followed his instinct. Something that suggested him that that was the right thing to do.

And from the way his heart started beating against his chest the moment she kissed him back, he knew he was probably right.

His suspect, and his worst fear, was probably about to become true.

"Uhm-" he was the first one to pull away, though, eyes dramatically avoiding her. "I'm sorry." He frowned, taking his hands off her completely. "God... sorry, I never should've-"

But before he could go on, Raven kissed him, now for a second time. This time she cupped his face into her hands and, not sure of what they were actually doing, the kiss got heated pretty quickly. She let him bite her bottom lip and when she felt a hint of pleasure mixed with pain from it he took over, and started leading the kiss.

She tilted his head as she wanted, and where she preferred, but she didn't mind him leading. In this way, it would've been easier to finally stop thinking and overthinking.

His arms traveled to her back, pressing her closer to his body fanatically and no longer later he took her jacket off, letting it fall on the floor and walking forward. When Raven hit the wall with her spine, she let out a satisfied noise that tumbled through his whole body, and just like that he sunk in her bottom lip again, letting her exhale all the bottled emotions inside of her.

And just in the moment Murphy's brain started realizing the situation they were in, a familiar voice stopped by the doorframe.

"Raven, Bellamy said him and Monty need you at the-" Harper trailed off as soon as she saw. As if that kiss, and what was about to happen next, wasn't awkward enough. "Oh. I'm... I'm sorry."

Raven pulled away, startled by the friend's voice, followed by Murphy, whose eyes widened a bit and he looked at Harper, and even if he'd hardly ever got embarrassed in his life it's safe to say he had to look away and close his eyes.

"Uhm." Raven cleared her throat, breaking in the silence. "Yeah. Okay, um... I'm coming."

She turned around without looking at him, sure that if she had done it he could've never missed her cheeks now going on fire, and with this, she walked away with Harper, not saying a word.

Murphy froze for a second, not being able to process what had just happened. But as soon as he did, and the realization hit him, he brought his hands to his face.

" _Fucking idiot_.”

* * *

"Don't worry." Harper said, as soon as they were far enough from his room. "I'm not gonna say anything to Emori."

She felt her throat burning. "There's _nothing_ to say, anyway. Forget what you saw..." and she swallowed the rest of the sentence down.

And it's not like she was wrong.

There wasn't something to say, or to talk about.

But god if, now, more than ever, she wished there was. 

________________

They didn’t make a move. Neither of them. Days passed, and none of them both had tried to go talk to the other.

Murphy had kept inflicting his punishment for he only knew what, isolating himself now more than ever, and the fact that Raven hadn’t come to him wasn’t surprising him.

He didn’t know what enormous damage he caused with that kiss, nor if he‘s fucked that hint of friendship and intimacy they both were starting to share. But god if he started hating himself for that, too.

While Raven, well she was busy with Earth problem. She started working day and night even; not being able to find a way to bring them all down, after they’d survived up there for six years was pissing her off and not just a bit. And, as if that wasn’t enough, she couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss.

What did that mean? Why did he do it? Was it just an impulsive move of his where instinct took over? Did he regret it? Did she regret kissing him back?And god, she thought about would’ve happened if Harper hadn’t interrupted them. Would they have gone all the way in?

And would she have liked it? Let him? Wanted him?

Every day her mind popped a new question out, and she was sick of it. And just like that, weeks passed, months, too, and, before they knew it, they had successfully avoided themselves for two months and a half.

One night, while Raven was preparing herself to go work because the thought of sleeping simply wasn’t contemplated, she thought Emori was sleeping. Except that she wasn’t.

“Where are you going?” her roommate’s voice resounded through the silent room, making her gasp while she was about to wear her brace.

“I’m going to work.”

“Now? But it’- it’s night.”

“I can’t sleep.” she mumbled, and got up from the bed.

“Thoughts keeping you awake?”

“Hm?” Raven hummed quietly, fixing her ponytail.

“You and John haven’t been together in so long now. Why’d you two stop seeing each other?”

And Emori’s question burned her throat, making her swallow heavily her reaction.

“I have work to do, Em. I can’t go around the ship having fun every time I want.”

”If you say so...”

“Sleep, okay? It’s still very early.” and she smiled at her roommate before making her way out.

On her way, she started thinking about what that kiss would’ve meant to Emori if she’d known about it.

Would she be mad? Or rather disappointed? Maybe not in John, probably not. But in her? They were friends now after all.

“Hey.” a familiar voice came from the control panel in the main control center of the ship, where she’d just walked in.

She lifted her gaze, and found him there, standing leaned against the panel,looking at her.

This time he didn’t have that grin on his face he always greeted her with, and she thought she knew why.

“I’m sorry. I was just-” and he played with the jacket he was holding in his hand.

Her jacket. The jacket she left there because she was too quick to just run away after kissing him.

She raised her eyebrows, and barely nodded, then looked away, as if she wasn’t even able to look at him and he tried not to let it hurt.

“I should’ve brought it back to you earlier.” he walked to her, and handed her the jacket.

“I should’ve come taking it back myself earlier.”

“Yeah. Yeah you probably should’ve.”

Looking up at him, she recognized those same expression’s lines on his skin he so often did.

“Haven’t seen you in a while.” she whispered, partly because everyone was still sleeping, and partly because she didn’t know she could’ve spoken any louder than that right now.

“Yeah... I don’t really hang out in these parts.” he smirked.

And she smiled a bit, recognizing those traces of sarcasm. “Of course...”

“Raven.” he wetted his lips, and after that he swallowed. She saw his adam apple bopping down, but didn’t answer, and just let him finish.

“You were right.” he continued, and nodded a bit. “You were absolutely right.”

Not certain of what he was talking about, she frowned. “I was right about... what exactly?”

“I was jealous. I- I _am_ jealous.”

She blinked, remembering their conversation. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry I took so long to realize it. I am jealous.” he nodded, and kept looking at her. “I’m jealous of _you_ , though.”

Raven turned her face to him, and she wasn’t absolutely disappointed by this confession.

“You spent so much time with Emori. And I didn’t know it at first, but spending time with you... I really like it. And you need her.” he shrugged his shoulders. “More than you’ve everneeded or you’ll ever need me, and this... this somewhat hurt because...”

Raven frowned and looked down at his lips, shook her head and then, with just a whisper. “You don’t have to say it...”

“ _I need you_.” he swept his eyes over her face, trying to catch something from her expression but she stayed impassive this time. “And I just wanted you to need me, too.” 

“John...”

His throat burns from the familiarity of the name she’s calling him with. She’s never done this... but oh, how many times he’s wished to hear this word come out of her lips.

“I know I’m a mess.” he starts, “and you probably know this better that anyone... but I promise... god, I promise... I’m honest. My feelings for you are.”

She didn’t answer at first, and kept standing there. Then half a smile formed on her face, that quickly turned into a smirk.

“What if I told you.” she took a step toward him. “I want you to kiss me again.”

“I’d ask you why.”

She nodded slowly. “Understandable.” then, continued. “Then... I’d tell you I have feelings. Lots of them. And for you, too.”

And that’s when Raven saw him smiling. But genuinely, like he had never done beforeprobably.

“Lots of them, uh?”

She rolled her eyes. “Shut up.” and grabbed his shirt, pulling him down in a kiss.

It was the kind of kiss there’s no mistaking, and she was not really focused to know what actually was happening as his lips on hers made her go a little bit crazy but all she knew was that he’d kissed her back, and that he did it with so much passion it made her stomach sink. His arms wrapped her in a firm grip and she couldn’t help but arch her back and smile against his lips.

He kissed her, like he’d been wanting to do this for so long, and finally everything made sense for Raven.

Everything felt right.

Didn’t matter if they’re both broken, because as he pulled away slowly, and blinked his eyes open to look at her, and she looked back in his blue eyes, everything felt right.

It was alright.

With him, it would be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)


End file.
